Let me Learn from Where I have Been

Peace Corps is the most intense experience that I have ever had in my life. When I try to think of how I can explain it to another person that hasn’t been through it I feel like it can’t be done. When I get back to America people that I haven’t seen in two years and new people who I haven’t yet met are going to ask me questions like, “How was Peace Corps? How was Africa? How was Rwanda? Are you happy that you did it? Was it worth it? What are you going to do now? How have you changed? What did you learn?” Right now I still don’t know how to answer these questions. Maybe after being home for a few months the answers will come to me. An intense experience needs some time to recover from before blanket statements can be made about it.

A Christian is supposed to believe in ultimate judgment. That no matter what you do you can’t get to the point where you have won your salvation. God doesn’t allow anyone to get away with anything. Either Jesus takes the debt or you take the debt yourself. Christians are not idealists because then people are good and not at fault so we should give forgiveness to everyone without any need for judgment. Neither are they cynics who do their own judging and believe that people are where they are because they don’t work hard enough so they deserve to be poor. Christians also can’t think that life will be good because they are good. God does take care of his people, but Satan also goes after the same people.

Intellectually I can still say that I understand this concept and I want to live like I believe it, but my actions on a regular basis suggest otherwise. Being here has made me so cynical. I find myself thinking things like, “Why do these people have to stare so much? Why do the same people always ask me the same questions? Why can’t I be left alone?” I don’t have much empathy for the poor anymore. Today my neighbor sent her son over to ask for plantains and I reluctantly said yes before I found that I didn’t have any plantains and couldn’t give any to him. I was honestly a little happy that I didn’t have any because I didn’t want to give them to him anyways. Then I went to the market to buy some avocados and a beggar followed me back to my house where she started asking me for food. I couldn’t understand her because she was mumbling and speaking igikiga so I got Anualita to translate to Kinyarwanda for me. Neither of us knew her. She just followed me home because I am white and she thinks all white people are rich so I will give her some food. After the third time I told her to leave because I wasn’t going to give her anything I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her along the path away from my house.

Events like my neighbor asking for something happen regularly and I have come to expect them even though I still don’t like it. Beggars targeting me are also normal and I treat them all the same now. I have given to beggars before but that is not my normal reaction. I am much more likely to ignore them. This is the first time I have had a beggar come knocking at my door though.

I know that she doesn’t want to be a beggar. I try to think about if I was in her situation. I would feel incredible shame to beg. I was lucky enough to be born into a life that more than likely I will never have to beg to anyone other than my parents whom I will be living with come January 15^th. I bought my ticket and that is when I will be back in Pittsburgh. My parents don’t get very much in return either, but they keep taking care of me. I can’t wait to go with them and my sister to Italy and France in December.

When I first got here lots of people were asking me to find them scholarships and sponsors, but that calmed down because they got to see me every day. Now that people know that I’m leaving it is picking back up. It is not the kids that I have gotten to know well either. It is the ones who didn’t take very much interest in me until they thought they could get something from me. The ones that I have gotten to know ask me for something to remember me by. Those are the only requests that I feel like I can take without being offended, but it still feels like they don’t realize that I already gave them a lot.

Right now my favorite song other than ‘Gangnam Style’ is ‘Below My Feet’ by Mumford and Sons. The song is like the prayer that I have been saying for the last two years. The chorus goes like this:

Keep the Earth below my feet,
From my sweat my blood runs weak.
Let me learn from where I have been.
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.

I think of myself as a humble person. Does that make me conceited? Hell Yes. I need to continue to be humbled. I need to be able to give more freely. Going back to the way life was before being here is going to be interesting. I don’t know how I will act. I will never be the same though. No one can be the same after doing Peace Corps.