Reconciliation

A little over a month ago was memorial month in Rwanda. Everything shuts down for the whole week. Everyone is supposed to go to discussions about the Genocide. This is to try to ensure that genocide doesn’t happen again. I recently read We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will be Killed with Our Families by Philip Gourevitch. It is about Rwandan history and is very interesting especially to me because I am living here with people who lived through it. I wrote down a quote from the book that I thought really summed up the current situation here. “Never before in modern memory had a people who slaughtered another people, or in whose name the slaughter was carried out, been expected to live with the remainder of the people that was slaughtered, completely intermingled, in the same communities, as one cohesive national society.” The Genocide is something that I’d rather not think about, but I am constantly reminded of it every day. How forgiveness comes to the people whose lives were ruined by this is only through God’s grace.
The recent death of Osama Bin Laden forced me to think of how September 11^th compared to the Rwandan Genocide. I quickly decided that those who orchestrated it were the same as Bin Laden, some of them are still at large. The Interahamwe is the same as Al Qaeda both of which are still at large and even though we hear a lot more about Al Qaeda, we all know how dangerous it is in the RDC. By the numbers and how the destruction was performed the Genocide is by far the worse of the two, but I’m not sure about the motives. The result in both cases was the death of a lot of people. The motive behind September 11^th was to destroy the economic and security centers of American and cause panic. The motive behind the Genocide was to wipe out an ethnicity of people. Both motives are driven by love for your own kind and hate for those who are different.
I have a hard time forgiving for much smaller things. This weekend I have made more honest confessions in a shorter period of time than I ever have before. There were two, neither of them were easy to make, and if I felt like I needed to make more, then I would. Both of them made me extremely nervous for opposite reasons, which prompted me to rehearse the conversations to myself about a hundred times in the last three weeks. Both conversations have been a long time coming too. They originated something like six or seven months, twenty pounds, a term of teaching and most of pre-service training ago. I can easily say that most of my time in Rwanda has been leading me to having these conversations.
The first of these conversations was with my boss, the Country Director (CD) of Peace Corps Rwanda. The CD is an incredible woman and I feel extremely lucky and honored to work for her, but for a long time I have hated her. Peace Corps has a lot of policies that the volunteers must follow. If a volunteer breaks a policy the CD has to investigate as to why the volunteer broke this policy and make a decision as to whether this volunteer should be allowed to continue to serve or if it is necessary to terminate the volunteer’s service. Within only three weeks of coming to Rwanda I had already broken one of these policies. I broke the out of site policy. Part of the out of site policy says that you must text the travel phone whenever you leave your site and then again when you arrive at your destination. This policy from what I understand is not in all Peace Corps programs and was brand new at this time. Prior to this they had mentioned it to us but did not provide us with the phone number to make these reports. I was also under the impression from Staging, which was the event we had when we were all in America before catching our flight to Africa, that it sufficed to tell another volunteer that you were leaving that you were leaving your site.
Now that I set myself up I’m sure that you are wondering what I did. For one week of training we visited our sites. We were supposed to learn about our school and meet some of the community. Upon arriving at my future site one of the teachers delivered me to the house of the volunteer that I would be replacing. She was changing sites because of a problem that she had been having for a while. She was an excellent host for the week of my visit. She showed me Mulindi and the surrounding area as well as fed me and taught me a lot about Peace Corps. We also played Scrabble which influenced me to buy my own board on my way to my site that cost 23,000 franks – about $38.50 which is a lot for me, but I think it has been worth it. Anyways what happened that caused me all of this stress is on Wednesday of that week the she was going to Kigali for a meeting and asked me if I’d like to come. I hadn’t had the chance to see Kigali at all yet, and she was going to the Peace Corps office which I was curious about, and I was craving a burger which I heard you could get there so I said yes.
The Safety and Security Officer had told us about dangerous Kigali could be, but I have been to dangerous cities before and even lived, worked and volunteered in all of the most dangerous parts of Pittsburgh so stories of violence and theft in a city didn’t scare me. We arrived in Kigali and took a bus to the Peace Corps office. Kigali has a much better transportation system than Pittsburgh. I have had to wait for hours to catch a bus in America, but I never have had to wait too long here. Even to get out of my village the wait is always reasonable. I think this is because there aren’t any unions and anyone who can buy a van can be a taxi driver. Also a lot less people own cars so this is the main mode of transportation. A taxi is extremely cheap too. The only thing that slows them down is they don’t like leaving unless they are full. If you can’t wait for a taxi to come you also have the option of a motorcycle taxi.
At the office my host went to her meeting and I waited for her in the volunteer lounge. While I’m waiting I was able to use the internet for the first time since coming to Rwanda for longer than a minute. I saw a few people who I knew from training who were surprised to see me and then the Assistant Program Manager took me into his office and we talked about how I should be there. He stressed that I had things I needed to do and informed me that I was breaking policy. After I had been scolded, my host finished her meeting and told me that she had also been slapped on the wrist. We left Kigali with our tails between our legs, but not without getting lunch first. I got a burger that was pretty good. She made it seem like it was no big deal that we had been reprimanded so I soon forgot about it and enjoyed the rest of my week at her house.
I returned to the training site that Friday, and the next day at lunch the Program and Training Officer took me into an office and we discussed the severity of what I did. He gave me a memorandum that I had to sign and respond to. My response was to be discussed by the entire senior staff and they would determine if I would be allowed to continue my service. He told me that they were not “leaning one way or the other at the moment.” My response was expected by the end of the day on Monday. I didn’t want to let that sit at all. I went straight home and wrote my response. I then called my host from the last week and read it to her because I didn’t want to say anything about her that she didn’t agree with. She tried to comfort me but her attitude of they are trying to make an example of you and there is no way they would administratively separate you for this did not calm me down. I did not eat that night or the next day. I stayed at home and pitied myself for being caught in this situation while others were going out and enjoying their weekend. I listened to all of the Tim Keller sermons I had on my Ipod twice and the Relient K song Deathbed about forty times. Everyone I told this to took a similar attitude to my host. They’d say that “How could they send you home for that, you didn’t know better” or “She should have known better than to take you to Kigali.”
On Monday I turned in my response. Next the worst part came. I waited something like six weeks before I heard back about it. It was pretty much the only thing that I thought about. I had language and teacher training to take it off my mind, but that only did so much. I was at the same time becoming less concerned about it and angrier. One day the Program and Training Officer asked me “Are you ready?” He was talking about the next session that we had, but I was terrified of him at this point so when he asked me this I got scared and asked “for what?” He knew what I was thinking and told me they hadn’t come to a decision yet. After the six weeks I finally had my interview with the CD that everyone was having, but mine was later because my name starts with an S. The interview started with her recognizing that I was the same person that showed up at the office uninvited. After she stated this, I asked if they had ever come to a decision and why they haven’t gotten back to me. Her response seemed incredibly condescending. She said “I’m sorry that you thought we were going to get back to you on that. Had we not liked your response we would have sent you home. We want you to make good decisions and to see what your decision making was for this situation.” At this point I was extremely relieved find out that I wasn’t going to be administratively separated, but shortly after this happened when I started telling others about what she had said the anger I had continued to swell. The memorandum that they had given me said they would get back to me as soon as they had made their decision. Also what would I had written in my response that they may have not liked. Only an idiot who wants to self-destruct would say anything but an apology.
In my mind this confirmed that they were making an example of me and they never planned to follow through with terminating my service. It was exactly like everyone had been telling me, and finding that this was true made me so self-righteous. The slander of everyone who was a part of putting me through this was not censored and it felt great. I took a lot of pleasure in telling others how I was wronged. Everyone I told this to sympathized with me too. There was only one who defended what they did, and I needed to hear someone say this.
I didn’t think about this too much after pre-service training ended. I was at my site. Far from all the people who caused me to stress and a lot to keep me busy, although I did develop an unhealthy fear of the administration. Anytime I received a message from anyone of them I would be afraid to open it, especially if it was from the CD.
After three months at site the volunteers are brought together for in-service training. In –service training is a chance to see all of the other volunteers that you went to pre-service training with and discuss what you are doing and strategies to improve your service. It is one week long. I found out on the first day that the volunteer that I replaced was coming to give a few sessions and all of the feelings of self-righteousness flooded back. I was telling my story to people once again. When I saw her I joked with her that I was afraid that she would get me into trouble. Her response was the same one she said five months before when I called her to read my response to her. On Thursday, she led a session on the Peer Support Network with the volunteer who had defended what had been done to me. I listened to them talk about stress while the CD sat there watching. So the person who had caused me the most stress since coming to Rwanda was telling me how to deal with it. The irony of this was more than I could handle. I was furious listening to her. I asked the CD a question during the session about having a support group meet in Kigali trying to get permission to have bible study there, but both the CD and the volunteer I replaced interpreted it as I wanted permission to party there. This made me even angrier. I told the other session leader that what stresses me out the most is the Peace Corps Administration. She told me that she understood exactly what I was saying and that she wanted to talk later. Then I got up and walked outside for a moment to clear my head. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so angry but it must have been at my parents for something they wouldn’t let me do and I couldn’t see their reasoning. I went back and waited out the session. That night I talked to the other facilitator about this for what must have been three hours. We finally came to the conclusion that I needed to talk to the CD. My hate for these people came from not forgiving them. My anger was controlling me. I couldn’t keep living this way. I needed to tell them that I forgive them.
On the way back from in-service training I went to bible study in Kigali and the volunteer that I replaced was there but didn’t participate. At the end when we were taking prayer requests mine was a long story about what had happened to me and how I need to forgive them. The volunteer I had replaced overheard some of what I said. After bible study ended she took me out onto the balcony and closed the door. She had heard me talking about the CD but missed what I had said about her. She wanted to comfort me and encourage me to talk to the CD. I appreciated this but I used this opportunity to tell her how much hatred I felt towards her. I told her that I slandered her and that I was sorry for doing that. I said that I forgive her and she apologized. I understand how hard it must have been for her to hear this, but it was necessary. Then we hugged and rejoined everyone else.
Upon arriving home I emailed the CD saying I needed to talk to her about what happened. Three weeks later was the first time we would both be available. I went to meet with her this past Friday. I told her how nervous I was when we started talking. She told me that I don’t have to worry about what I had done, but I didn’t meet with her just to hear that what I did doesn’t affect her opinion of me. I told her the same thing as the volunteer I had replaced that I was sorry for slandering and hating her. She told me that she isn’t concerned with what people say about her which I’m sure is true, but as a leader you either want to be loved or feared and she definitely tries to be loved. She kept repeating herself saying that she was impressed that I would come tell her this. I was reminded of how it is just as hard to hear someone tell you this as it is to say it. I felt very relieved after saying this. It was incredibly healing. To be able to forgive like this has released me from my anger. I am confident that next time I am contacted by the administration or see the volunteer that I replaced I will not be overcome by anger, but instead I will be able to respectful and loving. I turned them into monsters, completely forgetting that they are just as vulnerable as I am, which turned me into a monster.
The other confession that I made was the next day. I told another volunteer that I have had a crush on her for almost seven months. She told me that she needs some time to think about it. She said that she’d get back to me in a week at the longest. So right now I am in suspense, but I am really happy that I told her this even if it results in her saying no but I hope she doesn’t. She does have a lot to consider so I am not upset. I wonder how much she is thinking about it because I’m having trouble thinking about anything else.