Spiderman

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer is a lot like being Spiderman. I say that because I just watched Spiderman 2. In Spiderman 2 everything in Peter Parker’s life is going wrong. He is helping a hundred people but at the same time he loses his job, can’t pay the bills, failing his classes, disappointing his friends, and can’t help the people that matter most to him. Living two lives is ruining his. He devotes his life to helping people because he feels guilty that he failed to stop a man from killing his uncle. It is his responsibility because he has the ability to help. He then suddenly starts to lose his powers as well because he has too many responsibilities. Now neither of his two lives is going right. He goes to seek medical consultation where the doctor pretty much tells him that he can choose to no longer be Spiderman. Then he has a dream like sequence where he painfully gives up his guilt of killing his uncle followed by him watching a bunch of crimes take place and him trying not to care then he finally confesses his guilt to Aunt May. Next is the turning point of the movie. Peter Parker runs into a burning building powerless almost killing himself to save a baby. He knows that no one else is going to save this baby, nevertheless another person on an upper floor died. Next Aunt May tells Peter that the world needs heroes like Spiderman. Spiderman gives up what he wants the most and his dreams to help others. He now wants his powers back but they still aren’t there. Next he is in a coffee shop with Mary Jane who is once again professing her love for him, but he just like last time can’t be with her because of his duties. The difference is this time he realizes that he is doing this because it is what is right instead of responsibility. Then they are attacked by Doc Oct and Mary Jane is kidnapped and he regains his powers and saves her and the city.

For a while in college I lived two lives. I had two groups of friends. This was divided between my friends that I made in engineering school and friends that I made at Cornerstone – the Christian group that I went to. These worlds were completely separate when I was a freshman and even more when I was a sophomore. They started to morph together a little junior and senior year, but this also changed because I decided to spend more time with my Christian friends, and less with other friends. I feel like this was good and bad because I grew in my faith a lot because of this, but losing friends is always sad especially if there isn’t a reason for it.

In the eighteen months between college and Peace Corps I hung out with primarily friends from Cornerstone even though I no longer attended. I in no way was trying to alienate others, but that just seems to happen when you try to make your faith the most important part of your life. I also think that no matter what your friends will always change because nothing stays as it is. A couple days ago I attended the monthly Peace Corps bible study where we studied the first half of Matthew 5 for the second month in a row. The month before I had something weighing on my mind that I couldn’t focus very well on anything else also I have been taking a sort of leadership role at these studies where I have been the teacher and not as much the student. The re-up of Matt 5 part 1 was a lot shorter because we weren’t staying the night and a lot more structured which I appreciated because it was focused but not as organic as it has been in the past which I also love. One thing in particular stuck out to me that we talked about; Jesus says that Christians are the salt and the light of the world. This means that they are the best and most attractive part to the world of unbelieving people. This is not true at all. Most people look at Christians and think they are hypocritical, only trying to convert, homophobic, political, and judgmental. What is attractive about that? Christians are some of the ugliest and worst people of the world when they are any of these, and sometimes I don’t know why I would want to be associated with them.

Jesus is saying that if they were to love the way he is telling them to then they will be the salt and light. He also says that when salt has lost its saltiness then it is useless and must be thrown out. To me this sounds like when Christians are not attractive to unbelievers then they are no longer following Jesus. They will be thrown out. Coming to this conclusion of course raises the question of do I attract or repel the unbelievers that I know. I don’t know and I don’t have to worry about it either because I am saved by grace so nothing I do will take away that saving grace, but what good is faith without works and grace comes at a cost which is all of me. That seems so contradictory to me. How is it that I can both never lose my salvation because God loves me eternally but at the same time lose my saltiness if I don’t give my life? It must be because unless you do the later then you don’t love God which is a requirement for the former. Therefore the reason that unbelievers are not attracted to Christianity as a whole in our post-Christian society is because most Christians do this wrong and historically other than ending the slave trade in England Christians deserve this reputation.

I can say that Christianity is attractive to Rwandans though. Whether they do what I stated above is not my position as an outsider to say, but I personally haven’t found going to church very fulfilling other than a chance to see them let loose a little. They seem to party at church more than in any other situation.

What was great about the break is that I didn’t have to work. I got to spend my time either relaxing or with the other volunteers who I have become incredibly close to. I don’t really get to see most of the other volunteers very often, once a month if that, some once every three months or longer. At the HIV/AIDS workshop last week I saw some people that I hadn’t come across since April and seeing them was like seeing an old friend from high school that I had kept in touch with. Why have I become so close to people that I have only known for a short time and hardly ever get to see? There are some people in this group that I would not have been friends with in America, but are my best friends here. We became close during our training that ended almost eight months ago, but I can’t see how that could still be what connects us. It has to be that we are the only ones who really know what we are all going through. Also there is a mutual admiration that develops for everyone else who is still doing this that brings me to like even the people that I used to dislike.

Something interesting that happened multiple times during the break is that other volunteers completely unprovoked told me that I was a “good guy.” There’s nothing too strange about that except that it happened about four times, all from people I hadn’t seen in a while. What might have elicited it is I wrote an article for SOMA the volunteer publication which was an adaptation of an earlier post about the year and a half before leaving for Peace Corps. In it I revealed that I am insecure about if am in fact good. I think when people meet me for the first time they see a goofball and I like that classification and sometimes feel like I can’t keep it up. I feel like I am failing myself if I can’t make that impression on people. When we all showed up in Philly before leaving for Rwanda the next day we went into a room and introduced ourselves by saying our name, where we are from and a fact about Rwanda. I remember a lot of people’s facts were about gorillas or women in politics and that Jeff’s old nickname was mountain. My fact was that Rwanda is in Africa and the only reason that I remember this is because several people since then have reminisced about the day we met and reminded us that that was my fact. There have been a few other things that I have said that people like to repeat and I usually just smile and appreciate that people are still laughing about something that I said months ago. As people get to know me they find that there’s more to me. At some point it comes out that I am a Christian and all of the ideas about Christians that I mentioned above invade their opinion about me whether they form them or not. So maybe now that we know each other well those ideas have faded and we are looking at each other for what we really are. And maybe I am living like the salt and light Jesus talked about. I can’t say if I have attracted anyone else to Christianity, but that isn’t my concern. God converts unbelievers not people and there is nothing I can do or say that will change someone’s heart. The only thing that is attractive about me is what God does and says through me.

Now that I am once again coming off as holier than thou and explaining the plot of a movie that most people have seen I think I will try to tie things together a little. As a Peace Corps Volunteer I live multiple lives. I live my life in the village where I have a profession and participate in the community, and my life as a United States government employee where I have a hundred rules that I have to follow and friends throughout the country that I don’t get to see very often. It is very similar to how I lived before when I lived the Christian and unchristian lives except now it is more obvious because it is not a condition of the heart (I still live those two lives regularly). It is also similar to Spiderman because I want to spend every chance I get hanging out with my friends or pursue a job offer that would allow me to do exactly that as well as make a lot of money, but I can’t because I have to do what’s right which is stick with my commitment to help Rwanda from the ground up for two years. The Peace Corps staff also puts a lot of guilt on us to fulfill our responsibilities, but that isn’t what keeps you from leaving. You stay because you want to help people.

I draw a lot of attention just walking around.