Let me Learn from Where I have Been

Peace Corps is the most intense experience that I have ever had in my life. When I try to think of how I can explain it to another person that hasn’t been through it I feel like it can’t be done. When I get back to America people that I haven’t seen in two years and new people who I haven’t yet met are going to ask me questions like, “How was Peace Corps? How was Africa? How was Rwanda? Are you happy that you did it? Was it worth it? What are you going to do now? How have you changed? What did you learn?” Right now I still don’t know how to answer these questions. Maybe after being home for a few months the answers will come to me. An intense experience needs some time to recover from before blanket statements can be made about it.

A Christian is supposed to believe in ultimate judgment. That no matter what you do you can’t get to the point where you have won your salvation. God doesn’t allow anyone to get away with anything. Either Jesus takes the debt or you take the debt yourself. Christians are not idealists because then people are good and not at fault so we should give forgiveness to everyone without any need for judgment. Neither are they cynics who do their own judging and believe that people are where they are because they don’t work hard enough so they deserve to be poor. Christians also can’t think that life will be good because they are good. God does take care of his people, but Satan also goes after the same people.

Intellectually I can still say that I understand this concept and I want to live like I believe it, but my actions on a regular basis suggest otherwise. Being here has made me so cynical. I find myself thinking things like, “Why do these people have to stare so much? Why do the same people always ask me the same questions? Why can’t I be left alone?” I don’t have much empathy for the poor anymore. Today my neighbor sent her son over to ask for plantains and I reluctantly said yes before I found that I didn’t have any plantains and couldn’t give any to him. I was honestly a little happy that I didn’t have any because I didn’t want to give them to him anyways. Then I went to the market to buy some avocados and a beggar followed me back to my house where she started asking me for food. I couldn’t understand her because she was mumbling and speaking igikiga so I got Anualita to translate to Kinyarwanda for me. Neither of us knew her. She just followed me home because I am white and she thinks all white people are rich so I will give her some food. After the third time I told her to leave because I wasn’t going to give her anything I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her along the path away from my house.

Events like my neighbor asking for something happen regularly and I have come to expect them even though I still don’t like it. Beggars targeting me are also normal and I treat them all the same now. I have given to beggars before but that is not my normal reaction. I am much more likely to ignore them. This is the first time I have had a beggar come knocking at my door though.

I know that she doesn’t want to be a beggar. I try to think about if I was in her situation. I would feel incredible shame to beg. I was lucky enough to be born into a life that more than likely I will never have to beg to anyone other than my parents whom I will be living with come January 15^th. I bought my ticket and that is when I will be back in Pittsburgh. My parents don’t get very much in return either, but they keep taking care of me. I can’t wait to go with them and my sister to Italy and France in December.

When I first got here lots of people were asking me to find them scholarships and sponsors, but that calmed down because they got to see me every day. Now that people know that I’m leaving it is picking back up. It is not the kids that I have gotten to know well either. It is the ones who didn’t take very much interest in me until they thought they could get something from me. The ones that I have gotten to know ask me for something to remember me by. Those are the only requests that I feel like I can take without being offended, but it still feels like they don’t realize that I already gave them a lot.

Right now my favorite song other than ‘Gangnam Style’ is ‘Below My Feet’ by Mumford and Sons. The song is like the prayer that I have been saying for the last two years. The chorus goes like this:

Keep the Earth below my feet,
From my sweat my blood runs weak.
Let me learn from where I have been.
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.

I think of myself as a humble person. Does that make me conceited? Hell Yes. I need to continue to be humbled. I need to be able to give more freely. Going back to the way life was before being here is going to be interesting. I don’t know how I will act. I will never be the same though. No one can be the same after doing Peace Corps. 

Kilimanjaro Killed Us

Kilimanjaro is the tallest mountain in Africa. It is also the tallest free standing mountain in the world. All that means is that it isn’t part of a chain. I have learned a lot about geology since moving to Africa. There are several rifts that are pulling the continent apart. This has resulted in a few things: deep lakes with a lot of methane gas trapped under the water that could be freed with the right volcanic explosion killing everyone who lives near the shore (one of which, Kivu boarders Rwanda), tall Volcanoes throughout all of East Africa (including the Virunga Mountains in Rwanda and Kilimanjaro in Tanzania), and the Rwenzori Mountain range in Uganada is formed from all of the land around it pulling away and it staying up. Kilimanjaro is the tallest one of the volcanoes so I wanted to climb it.

I climbed Kilimanjaro with my girlfriend Hope. We went with Zara Tours. Zara Tours is like most tour companies in Tanzania. They will climb Kilimanjaro and drive through the Serengeti, both of which get a lot of tourists. People come from all over the world to do these things. We saw people from America and Canada, Europe, Australia and Asia. There were plenty of people from Tanzania climbing it and a few from South Africa, but that’s all of the people from Africa that we met.

Because of Tanzania’s many attractions they are not strangers to tourists and this means that all of the prices for anything made for tourists are inflated. Although Hope and I were not your average tourists we were still thought of as rich tourist that can afford those crazy high prices, but since we are there at all I guess we are able to pay for the high price to climb Kili in the first place.

Kilimanjaro is a national park and the Tanzanian government charges everyone $200+ a day to be there. Then you have to pay your guide, a cook, the assistant guide, the three porters per person and a waiter. Hope and I thought that the waiter was the cook until the last day because we didn’t see the need for both. We did the seven day Rongai route therefore the cost of the trek was over than $1800. Considering that $1400+ goes to the Government and all of the people that we hired to take us up that is a good price. Zara is one of the cheaper companies. We were the only group that we saw that didn’t have a portable toilet with its own tent and porter that empties it daily, and had to use the latrines at the camp sites. These latrines were actually very nice compared to many I have seen in Rwanda and easily nicer than the one at my own house. I was overall very satisfied with Zara even without the toilet tents.

We spent the first five days climbing the mountain then on the sixth day we summited and descended the seventh. The first five days were extremely easy. The sixth day was really difficult. It’s a good thing that we took five days to climb it because on the third day Hope became violently ill.

Altitude sickness or as they call it at Kilimanjaro mountain sickness is caused by a lack of oxygen and the change in pressure. As you climb and stay at your camp you will have a headache. I think everyone gets at least that. You also will get short of breath from the walk to the toilet or even just lying in your tent. The headache is caused by the change pressure swells your brain, and that is made worse by exerting yourself your heart pumps more blood into your brain which swells it more. The headache leads to vomiting. Vomiting upsets your stomach and leads to diarrhea. Somehow you also get the chills and gas. To not get altitude sickness you want to drink a lot of water because dehydration also causes headaches and you spend extra time up in the higher altitude to acclimatize to the conditions. There is also medication for it called Diamox which neither of us had heard of before coming. Everyone there told us that Diamox makes you pee a lot and a couple from California said that studies have shown that ibuprofen works just as well.

Hope had all of the symptoms on the third night. She was telling me that she was worried about displaying “her grossness” to me when we were on Kilimanjaro before we started and then it all came out on the mountain in a way she that never imagined. I did my best to take care of her by doing stuff like finding medicine from other hikers and throwing out her vomit bag, at the same time telling her that she could still make it if she felt better in the morning. The guides were all telling us that she should go back though. It was of course her decision to make because had she gone down she would have felt better immediately but then she would be giving up her chance to make it to the top. If she had gone back I would have stayed and continued so I did remind her of her time limit to recover, we had agreed to this for either of us before we started so she would have had to just wait for me at the bottom.

Hope getting sick was in part my fault. I didn’t contaminate her with anything but I did convince her to go faster on the trail. Our guide’s name was Felix. He was a man in his fifties who had been doing this for more than 25 years. He kept telling us that we had to go pole pole (you say it pol eh pol eh) which means slowly in Swahili, but the pace was unbearably slow and I couldn’t handle it. The path that we were on was extremely gradual and easy and the porters had all of my things so I was really bored going slow. Before coming here Hope and I went on a nine day hike in Rwanda called the Congo Nile trail where we went at a much faster pace. I started going at a faster pace which made Felix very angry. Hope wanted to listen to him even though she agreed with me that we could handle a lot faster. After a lot of convincing Hope and I left the guide behind and hiked at our own pace. It felt like Felix was not able to keep up with us because of his age and he was carrying a large pack. I guess this makes me ageist, but at the end of the second day he came up to us and told us a story about how he was leading a mountaineer from Switzerland on Kilimanjaro who had climbed Mount Everest and wouldn’t listen to him. He told the mountaineer “Kili will kill you” and then he couldn’t make it to the top. “Kili killed him.” This story sounded made up to me and it felt like he was just trying to scare us. I understood later why he wanted us to slow down when Hope got sick but also because the guides are selected based on their statistics. The higher completion rate a guide has more the company will hire him and the better he will be paid. If you have people who want to run up the mountain and can’t summit it still looks bad for the guide.

Hope was still showing symptoms on day four so we stayed at that camp that day for her to recover. I did a short hike up to get a good view and then came back. Hope stayed in the tent all day only leaving to use the toilet. During the day I had to force her to eat some bread and soup but by that night she was doing better. We continued the next day going very slow and then at midnight that night we made our summit attempt. Right after dinner though Hope threw up a little but she was feeling better and she still wanted to go so we covered it up so no one would try to convince her not to go.

The summit climb was really difficult. It was almost straight up. We did a series of something like a hundred switchbacks and then right before the top we had to climb over rocks a bunch of rocks. It was freezing cold. Both of us got frostbite on our noses. The hand warmers that my mom sent me came in handy here, but I had way more than I needed. Once we reached Gilman’s point which is along the edge of the crater it was a lot easier but by that time I finally got my share of the altitude sickness. If it had been much higher I wouldn’t have made it. We slowly made our way around the edge of the crater to the highest point and got a picture at the sign that marks it. At the top it is snow covered and there are glaciers which are melting away, but when you are right next to them they look gigantic. It is no wonder you can see them from the bottom. We then turned back and along the way back down from the top I puked too. I was freezing for the rest of the day and it was Hope’s turn to take care of me. There wasn’t much time to slow down though because we were not permitted to camp where we were the night before so we had to make it to another campsite further down.

The next day we made it the rest of the way down the mountain and saw some monkeys along the way in the part that’s a jungle. We then spent the next day in Moshi and bought some souvenirs before heading back to Rwanda.

It was a great experience. It was amazing to be able to climb the tallest mountain in Africa, and to make it there with Hope after her sickness. She overcame adversity to get what she wanted. She said that she will tell this story at job interviews and I told her this was lame because I knew she was thinking this, but it is cool that she made it after being so sick.

Gorilla Trekking

A couple of weeks ago I went gorilla trekking in the Virunga Mountains of Rwanda. The Rwanda, Uganda, DRC area is the only place in the world to see mountain gorillas in the wild. For me since I live in Rwanda it cost $250 but for anyone who lives outside of the country it costs them $500. Still $250 is quite a lot for me considering that I get $260 a month for my living allowance. I also had to pay my share of the car that took us to the volcano from Musanze as well as the cost of food and travel. I probably paid around $300 for this experience. As a volunteer you have to be very aware about how you are spending your money because it goes very quickly. I was able get a lift out to Musanze with a friend who was heading that way and stay there for free too at another volunteer’s house. Still it was easily the most that I have spent on a weekend for sure in Africa and maybe in my life. I have heard a lot recently that they will be raising the price soon to $350 for residents and $750 for non-residents in June so I had to get this in before then. I heard that they are raising the cost for conservation purposes. Too many people are going to see them at the low cost of $500 per person and it’s having a bad effect on the jungle. The gorillas can get sick from close encounters with people.

Even with the high cost it was totally worth it. It was easily the best safari that I have been on. On the other safaris I have gone on are in Akagera and Queen Elizabeth I saw giraffes, zebra, buffalo, crocodiles, lots of birds, lions, leopards, hippopotamus, wart hogs, antelope and elephants. None of these animals really care that you are there looking at them and just do whatever they want. They were both really awesome, much better than a zoo, but you are in a car for most of the experience. We got out to look at giraffes and crocodiles from far away and lions from really far away, but that’s it. If you want good pictures of the animals from this kind of thing you are going to need a good camera with a good lens for it. I also went for a boat ride on the lake and watched the animals play in the water. That was cool too but still really far from the animals.

When you see the gorillas you have to hike through the jungle. There is a guy with you with a machete who is hacking away plants as you go and ants crawling up your pants and biting your legs. The trackers go out ahead of you and look for the gorillas that you will visit and then radio back to your guide telling you where to go. We waited for a while outside the park before the guide got directions. Then we jumped the wall and hiked for about 40 minutes to find the gorillas. The gorilla family’s name that we saw was Kwitonda. In English that means humble. I don’t know how humble the gorillas were but they were great to watch. We saw three silverbacks, a couple of babies and like another 13. My favorite were the adolescents because they were climbing on stuff and fighting. The silverbacks just sat around grunting and the guide would grunt back, which he said was them communicating with the other gorillas that we were not threatening. They tell you that you need to stay at least 7 meters away from the gorillas and you think that they will be strict about that, but you get really close. Once we were there we were never even 5 meters away. The silverback was at one point only 3 feet from me and another gorilla slapped Aaron another volunteer with me on the back as it ran by. You don’t need a fancy camera either because you are so close to them. You can take pictures that could be in National Geographic with your standard camera. We were with the gorillas for an hour before hiking back out, but it felt shorter.

If you are trying to choose a single experience in Africa I would suggest the gorilla trekking in Rwanda, but now that the price is going up you could go on maybe two or three other safaris instead of this one that would last longer. When I got home after the amazing experience the road was flooded and I had to wade through a foot of water on my way home. Everyone thought I was crazy and cheap for not taking a vehicle through the water, but its Peace Corps and pretty typical Rwanda.

Ikiruhuko - Holiday

Zanzibar is really awesome.

Uganda is too.

Building large underground rain harvesting tanks is also awesome. They are almost finished.

Awesome!

The rest of your life

Yesterday was the graduation ceremony at my school. There was singing, dancing traditional and modern hip-hop, concessions and speeches. Being there just made me think of my own graduations. Graduation from high school was great. I was so ready to move out and go to college. Graduation from college however was not that great. It just felt like something great was ending. I was never scared that I would not graduate. I didn’t really care about what my GPA was either. I just went through the motions of finishing my degree. I had nothing lined up for me, but I had friends who did. They were going to grad school or had found a job. All I had done was apply to the Peace Corps. I was happy for my friends and enjoyed the last moments of being a college student with them, but I was also surrounded by a cloud of uncertainty.

I think that these students that are finishing secondary school might feel similar to how I felt after college. I’m sure a few of them have something planned, but most of them probably do not. A lot of them will simply be unemployed, which is worse than the condition I was in. At least I had something that I had applied to, which I am now doing.

I asked some of them what they will do now and they don’t know. The common response is they will look for a job. My favorite graduating senior said she will sell clothes at the market. A decent job, but she is capable of so much more.

Only 1% of the country goes to university and if these students want to do that they will have to save up a little before they can go. Getting a loan is not really an option and support is really hard to come by. Something the president of the parents association said while giving his speech was, ‘You say education is expensive, but how about ignorance.’ I agree with him. The cost of ignorance is greater than education, but this doesn’t change that most of these recent grads will not continue their education and it is not because they are ignorant.

Something else he said was a public thank you to me. I have never spoken to him, but someone must have told him about what I do or he felt compelled to say this after I got my own introduction at the beginning of the ceremony apart from the other teachers. He thanked America, the Peace Corps and me for what I do. He then told me to extend their gratitude to the Peace Corps and America, so to any Americans or anyone from Peace Corps reading this the parents of students of Mulindi Secondary thank you. This was the first time I have been thanked since being sworn in as a volunteer, and then it was as a group. I teared up a little when he said this and quickly wiped it away. The headmaster spoke after him and he thanked me too.

I usually don’t feel too appreciated. It is so hard to really gage what they think of me. Do they really need me? Do they really want the help I am here to give? Am I getting more out of being here than I am giving? Is what I am doing sustainable or will it be like I was never here? I am here because I want to find meaning in my life.

As a senior in college I studied Ecclesiastes in two bible studies at the same time. I had been going to both for a while already so when both decided to study Ecclesiastes at the same time I was a little disappointed, but kept going to both of them anyways. Ecclesiastes is a great book. Solomon is traditionally credited with writing it because he fits the character. The book can be summarized into one line that it repeats multiple times. ‘Everything underneath the sun is meaningless.’ In the end it is not going to matter if you have done everything you wanted, lived a good life, worked hard, or acquired knowledge. It is all chasing the wind. There nothing more uplifting and promising than studying the bible. Then again the bible was never supposed to be uplifting. Solomon comes to the conclusion that there is nothing better for a person to do than ‘be joyful and to do good as long as they live,’ and only what God does lasts forever and God does these things so people will accept and love/fear him. The man who turned away from God in so many ways then writes a book about why you should not turn away from God, and it’s not because of your place in eternity but because you will never find meaning in anything else, but you should still enjoy life.

Graduating from school forces you to ask what you are going to do with your life, but I guess you never stop asking that question. Even as an old man who had done everything life had to offer Solomon was still contemplating this. Three thousand years there is still not an answer. I am here doing what I am doing this because I want to do good, but I want so many more things than to do good. I want the experience and everything that I can get out of it. I guess that’s how I’m trying to enjoy life.

I let a teacher use my camera during the ceremony. He was a lot more interested in recording video than taking pictures so I don’t have many good pictures of the evening. I can’t upload videos. This is of the student council.

We are taking pictures so everyone look serious.

I posed for about 100 pictures. My friend Simon told me how “gay” we looked after we took this one. He then told me that we got married and that I was the bride because the other guy was wearing a suit.

The only picture I got with my favorite of the graduating class, Aline the president of GLOW club, and the top of my head is cut off. I am going to miss her being around. I can have a favorite. I’m their teacher not their dad.

Simon and Aline both have so much potential if they were given the opportunity.

The rest of the pictures he took were pretty blurry. I’m pretty tired of them always taking my camera from me. I don’t think I will allow it any more.

Name Change

I just changed the name to this blog. I was inspired by the movie The Social Network. In it Sean Parker tells Mark Zuckerberg that he should drop the 'the' in 'the facebook' and then it would cleaner and cooler. I am hoping that if I drop the 'welcome to' that it cleans things up and my blog will be cooler and more popular. When I say my blog I mean me. I don't really care about me being cleaner though because I live in a village in Rwanda.

The Education System

Something that I have noticed as my first year as a professional volunteer teacher comes to an end is that teachers are not very appreciated. Teachers have to work long days in the classroom and then spend the rest of their time planning lessons and grading. After all of that it’s hard to care enough to want to run a club or coach a sport. That is why no one coaches basketball at my school, but the b-ball court is in pretty bad condition as of late. There is actually only a coach for soccer. I think it takes a lot of work to be good at any job, but most other jobs will have bonuses and overtime or at least pay better than teaching. Teachers also have administration that will make them work harder or get in the way of them doing their job at all. There have been so many times when I have been ready to go teach and we have a surprise meeting about nothing.

For this reason and maybe more teaching is looked at as a temporary job in Rwanda. This year three (including myself) started at the beginning of the year and are finishing it, two have come and gone, three have left for better paying jobs, three who started after the school year started (two just started at the beginning of this term), and one is brought in on weekends to make up for another teacher who is too ‘old and can’t work all of the hours that are required’ (this teacher just won an award – I can’t stand this guy, he doesn’t put any effort into teaching. During exam week there was a day between the elective exams and main subject exams and I was going to have a review for the Math and English exams, but this guy gives a quiz. During exam week he gave a quiz. I am sure that its because he didn’t have enough to make grades for the term. I was only able to review math. Then when I turned in my grades to him for the term he asked me for the grades for the whole year and I didn’t know I needed that, he then calls me lazy and starts talking about me to the other teachers. I can’t understand everything that you’re saying man, but I can tell when you are talking about me). So overall the school added three teachers this year. Of the 18 teachers who have worked here over the last year 12 of them were not working here the year before. Of the six who have been here for longer than I have I can tell that only three have been here for much longer than that (one of them being the award winner), and I know that they will not be here much longer because they are removing lower secondary from this school in the next two years and they all teach lower secondary. Another reason they won’t be teachers much longer is the Ministry of Education is enforcing teachers to have certain qualifications and none of these three have these. In fact, I met someone who works for the Ministry of Education who told me that 50% of secondary school teachers in Rwanda are not qualified to be teaching. The standards are not even that high. All they have to have done is either gone to secondary school for teaching, or go to a teacher training school (I don’t know how involved that is). There is teacher training for unqualified teachers during breaks primarily to learn English that from what I understand most teachers choose to skip. I wouldn’t be qualified to be a teacher in America, but here since I have a bachelor’s degree I am one of the most qualified people working there. There is one guy who goes to school on the weekends in Kigali to get a bachelor’s in teaching and two who go to Uganda to get masters and both of them are getting their masters so they can get better jobs than teaching.

I recently met some VSO volunteers who just started in Byumba, Leslie and Steve. Leslie will be training teachers and Steve will train headmasters. They are much more qualified than I am. They have worked in schools for as long as I have been alive and now they decide to come to volunteer in Africa. Doing that when you retire would be hard to want to do. They deserve to take it easy, but here they are doing something that is really hard. Pretty impressive, I hope they can accomplish a lot. I hope they can at least change teacher methodology enough that they don’t consider it enough to just copy notes from a textbook and then rewrite that on the board for the students to copy into their notebooks with little to no explanation. I haven’t been very successful in changing this mentality.

The administration has not changed much though. Only the headmaster changed because the old one was not qualified so he was replaced. I really like the headmaster. He is pushing the school and teachers to improve and he is the reason for some of the turnover in teachers.

I wrote that when I was attending a ceremony for International Teachers Appreciation Day. For International Teachers Appreciation Day there was no school and instead all of the teachers from Kaniga sector (a sector is like a county) met at my school to celebrate. The ceremony started two and a half late, but I anticipated that so I came an hour and a half late kinda hoping I would be late, but it started later than I had expected. Keeping time is just not all that important here. Lucy’s school also held a ceremony and hers started four hours late.

The ceremony included singing and dancing by students, long speeches, presentation of awards and finally a meal. When I watch my students perform all that I think about is if they can learn how to do this so well then why aren’t they better at math and English. Its cool that they like dancing and they are very good at it.

The next event that the school held was the second edition of the backyard brawl, another sports day with Rushaki. This time it was in Mulindi. Lucy didn’t come because she was at the new group of volunteer’s training. I however was there but I didn’t go until after they had played handball and started basketball. They wanted me to play basketball with them again, but I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about considering how bad we were beaten last time. I just watched and cheered. Everyone kept asking me why I wasn’t playing so I made like 10 different excuses. It was raining and no one told when I should be there were my best ones. We lost at basketball and I wouldn’t have made a difference. Just doesn’t seem fair when we play bball. Rushaki has a really nice basketball court thanks to Scott the volunteer there before Lucy and the closest basketball court to my school is 45 minute walk up a hill. You have to really want to play to go there. We did win at soccer though which was the main event. So take that Rushaki.

30 kids are not loud enough. It’s a good thing we have a megaphone to amplify one of them. Kinda defeats the purpose of a choir.

Every time there is dancing someone tells me to get up and dance with them. I didn’t do it this time. I told them to dance and they wouldn’t. I am still just a spectacle to some people.

Mulindi secondary’s basketball court/soccer field. The hoop that is standing does not have a hoop.

One Year Later…

As of yesterday I have been living in Rwanda for one year. I have been all over this country. It is call the land of a thousand hills and I have seen probably 800 of them. Rwanda is an amazingly beautiful country and I love it here. After living here for a year it is time to reflect.

Moving here was really difficult. I left all of the modern conveniences that make up an American lifestyle; things like a washer and dryer, microwave, oven, television, car, toilet, refrigerator, and showers. Other things I still have because I brought them with me like a computer, and a camera. My ipod was stolen six months ago though. There are some things that have been available here, like an electric hotplate for cooking, electric kettle for heating water to bathe using a bucket, electric lighting, a cat, cellphone, external hard drive to save movies that I get from other volunteers and my friend Simon who downloads them at the tea factory where he works, and internet that is pretty reliable but too slow and expensive to use more than once a day just to check email and facebook so I don’t get to skype. Electricity is pretty unreliable though because they provide to more people than they can handle and that’s only about 20% of the country. One more thing I still have is processed foods because I get a lot of packages from my mom and friends and other family. I just got packages from the Oliveris and Daenzers, thank you for everything you sent me. Even the stuff that I look at and think what am I going to do with this.

I have been working at a secondary school with people I cannot communicate with and teaching students that cannot understand me. Their English hasn’t gotten to that level yet and my Kinyarwanda is really only useful for shopping and making jokes, I just learned a pickup line that relates to both of those things – Uri kwi isoko? – Are you on the market? I do actually have a fairly large vocabulary, but using the language is really hard for me. That is the same problem that my students have with English. I’m making it my goal to get better at the language now that school is almost out. It has been a while since I studied it at all.

I spend more time alone than I ever have before in my life. I would rather be alone a lot of the time now than have to deal with the awkwardness that comes with being with people. I feel more alone when I’m with a group of people who aren’t including me than when I am by myself watching a movie. Even when I am with friends I don’t always feel like I participate and I feel just as alone as when I was with the other group that wasn’t including me. I feel like maybe I am losing my ability to interact with anyone and not just those who are from another culture, but that could be because the times I’m with my American friends are so few that if every moment isn’t how I imagined how it should be then it is a disappointment. I have realized that I am also pretty hard on myself for not performing socially, morally, and intellectually to the level that I feel like that I am capable of, regardless that I know that I don’t have to.

A lot of volunteers that I started this with have been leaving recently they have been finding other jobs or just leaving because they are unhappy. I wonder if I will ever see them again. The chances are pretty low unless we make an effort to see each other again and realistically that will not happen very much. I’m not going to see the friends I went to college very much anymore either. That’s how life is. Another friend that just went home is Danielle the Fulbright scholar who trained with us. Her scholarship ended so this was how long she planned to be here. I was with her, Hanna (also left) and Hope (staying) in the nicest coffee shop in Rwanda – Bourbon coffee. Danielle had her laptop playing inspirational songs like I believe I can fly and Graduation by Vitamin C then Coming Home by Diddy and till I get there by Lupe. Hanna was saying how they wouldn’t let you do this in America. I left my family and all of my friends to come do this and now the friends that I have made here are leaving to go back. I’m torn on how I feel about it. I asked Danielle how she felt. She said she was sad and excited. I know how that feels. When I left to come here I cried every day for a week and I was so excited to start this. I’m happy they get to go home. It is hard to leave anything that you have invested a lot of time into, but to go home at the end of it has got to feel great because you miss it so much.

A Peace Corps volunteer has to answer one question so many times – Why did you join the Peace Corps? I had to answer this question a lot before leaving and now for a lot of people and to myself, and I will have to answer this question in for people for later in life too. I need to find a good answer that I will be able to give at interviews when I’m looking for a job when I’m done here. They ask you when you interview with Peace Corps and when you first arrive. It tells you a lot about a person that they would do this first of all, but to know why that person is doing it tells you even more. The reason keeps changing. I don’t know what it will be in a few years. When I interviewed to do this I said that I was doing it because of my faith. That doesn’t really tell you too much about me though. I wrote right before leaving that it is because I want to help people. I changed it up once I got here to it is exciting which is more of the reason that I wanted to do it. Now it has changed again. I am still here because I feel like God was telling me to do this and I still like helping people, but not really because it is exciting. Now I feel like I am here to continue to change myself. Never again will I live like this. I don’t know what the future holds and I wish I didn’t worry about it as much as I do. The reason that people don’t give into despair is because they believe the future will be better than the past. That’s why we go through hard things in the present.

There are also a lot of great things about Peace Corps service. Many opportunities that I have been able to take advantage of because I haven’t been scared to go for it.

I know that I am making a difference here. I saw improvement in many of my students’ work. I made the last English exam harder and the scores were worse but not by much. The Math exam was hard for them, but they did well. I think my students have figured out how to learn from the way I teach or I have figured out how to teach so they can learn from me, either way they are doing better and it only took a year. I have so much more respect for teachers now after doing this myself. Pretty sure I do not want to make it my career though.

I am also going to be starting construction of a water collection system in three weeks. The system consists of rain collection and filters to provide drinkable water for the school. The design is by Water for Life of which I am working with Nick Greener. I am really excited about it. Check out the donation page. If we don’t get all the money we will just have to do the construction like my neighbors where you build a little and then wait until you can afford to continue to build.

https://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=donate.contribute.projDetail&projdesc=696-012

Rwanda has so much left to teach me. I just need to make sure that I am paying attention.

Spiderman

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer is a lot like being Spiderman. I say that because I just watched Spiderman 2. In Spiderman 2 everything in Peter Parker’s life is going wrong. He is helping a hundred people but at the same time he loses his job, can’t pay the bills, failing his classes, disappointing his friends, and can’t help the people that matter most to him. Living two lives is ruining his. He devotes his life to helping people because he feels guilty that he failed to stop a man from killing his uncle. It is his responsibility because he has the ability to help. He then suddenly starts to lose his powers as well because he has too many responsibilities. Now neither of his two lives is going right. He goes to seek medical consultation where the doctor pretty much tells him that he can choose to no longer be Spiderman. Then he has a dream like sequence where he painfully gives up his guilt of killing his uncle followed by him watching a bunch of crimes take place and him trying not to care then he finally confesses his guilt to Aunt May. Next is the turning point of the movie. Peter Parker runs into a burning building powerless almost killing himself to save a baby. He knows that no one else is going to save this baby, nevertheless another person on an upper floor died. Next Aunt May tells Peter that the world needs heroes like Spiderman. Spiderman gives up what he wants the most and his dreams to help others. He now wants his powers back but they still aren’t there. Next he is in a coffee shop with Mary Jane who is once again professing her love for him, but he just like last time can’t be with her because of his duties. The difference is this time he realizes that he is doing this because it is what is right instead of responsibility. Then they are attacked by Doc Oct and Mary Jane is kidnapped and he regains his powers and saves her and the city.

For a while in college I lived two lives. I had two groups of friends. This was divided between my friends that I made in engineering school and friends that I made at Cornerstone – the Christian group that I went to. These worlds were completely separate when I was a freshman and even more when I was a sophomore. They started to morph together a little junior and senior year, but this also changed because I decided to spend more time with my Christian friends, and less with other friends. I feel like this was good and bad because I grew in my faith a lot because of this, but losing friends is always sad especially if there isn’t a reason for it.

In the eighteen months between college and Peace Corps I hung out with primarily friends from Cornerstone even though I no longer attended. I in no way was trying to alienate others, but that just seems to happen when you try to make your faith the most important part of your life. I also think that no matter what your friends will always change because nothing stays as it is. A couple days ago I attended the monthly Peace Corps bible study where we studied the first half of Matthew 5 for the second month in a row. The month before I had something weighing on my mind that I couldn’t focus very well on anything else also I have been taking a sort of leadership role at these studies where I have been the teacher and not as much the student. The re-up of Matt 5 part 1 was a lot shorter because we weren’t staying the night and a lot more structured which I appreciated because it was focused but not as organic as it has been in the past which I also love. One thing in particular stuck out to me that we talked about; Jesus says that Christians are the salt and the light of the world. This means that they are the best and most attractive part to the world of unbelieving people. This is not true at all. Most people look at Christians and think they are hypocritical, only trying to convert, homophobic, political, and judgmental. What is attractive about that? Christians are some of the ugliest and worst people of the world when they are any of these, and sometimes I don’t know why I would want to be associated with them.

Jesus is saying that if they were to love the way he is telling them to then they will be the salt and light. He also says that when salt has lost its saltiness then it is useless and must be thrown out. To me this sounds like when Christians are not attractive to unbelievers then they are no longer following Jesus. They will be thrown out. Coming to this conclusion of course raises the question of do I attract or repel the unbelievers that I know. I don’t know and I don’t have to worry about it either because I am saved by grace so nothing I do will take away that saving grace, but what good is faith without works and grace comes at a cost which is all of me. That seems so contradictory to me. How is it that I can both never lose my salvation because God loves me eternally but at the same time lose my saltiness if I don’t give my life? It must be because unless you do the later then you don’t love God which is a requirement for the former. Therefore the reason that unbelievers are not attracted to Christianity as a whole in our post-Christian society is because most Christians do this wrong and historically other than ending the slave trade in England Christians deserve this reputation.

I can say that Christianity is attractive to Rwandans though. Whether they do what I stated above is not my position as an outsider to say, but I personally haven’t found going to church very fulfilling other than a chance to see them let loose a little. They seem to party at church more than in any other situation.

What was great about the break is that I didn’t have to work. I got to spend my time either relaxing or with the other volunteers who I have become incredibly close to. I don’t really get to see most of the other volunteers very often, once a month if that, some once every three months or longer. At the HIV/AIDS workshop last week I saw some people that I hadn’t come across since April and seeing them was like seeing an old friend from high school that I had kept in touch with. Why have I become so close to people that I have only known for a short time and hardly ever get to see? There are some people in this group that I would not have been friends with in America, but are my best friends here. We became close during our training that ended almost eight months ago, but I can’t see how that could still be what connects us. It has to be that we are the only ones who really know what we are all going through. Also there is a mutual admiration that develops for everyone else who is still doing this that brings me to like even the people that I used to dislike.

Something interesting that happened multiple times during the break is that other volunteers completely unprovoked told me that I was a “good guy.” There’s nothing too strange about that except that it happened about four times, all from people I hadn’t seen in a while. What might have elicited it is I wrote an article for SOMA the volunteer publication which was an adaptation of an earlier post about the year and a half before leaving for Peace Corps. In it I revealed that I am insecure about if am in fact good. I think when people meet me for the first time they see a goofball and I like that classification and sometimes feel like I can’t keep it up. I feel like I am failing myself if I can’t make that impression on people. When we all showed up in Philly before leaving for Rwanda the next day we went into a room and introduced ourselves by saying our name, where we are from and a fact about Rwanda. I remember a lot of people’s facts were about gorillas or women in politics and that Jeff’s old nickname was mountain. My fact was that Rwanda is in Africa and the only reason that I remember this is because several people since then have reminisced about the day we met and reminded us that that was my fact. There have been a few other things that I have said that people like to repeat and I usually just smile and appreciate that people are still laughing about something that I said months ago. As people get to know me they find that there’s more to me. At some point it comes out that I am a Christian and all of the ideas about Christians that I mentioned above invade their opinion about me whether they form them or not. So maybe now that we know each other well those ideas have faded and we are looking at each other for what we really are. And maybe I am living like the salt and light Jesus talked about. I can’t say if I have attracted anyone else to Christianity, but that isn’t my concern. God converts unbelievers not people and there is nothing I can do or say that will change someone’s heart. The only thing that is attractive about me is what God does and says through me.

Now that I am once again coming off as holier than thou and explaining the plot of a movie that most people have seen I think I will try to tie things together a little. As a Peace Corps Volunteer I live multiple lives. I live my life in the village where I have a profession and participate in the community, and my life as a United States government employee where I have a hundred rules that I have to follow and friends throughout the country that I don’t get to see very often. It is very similar to how I lived before when I lived the Christian and unchristian lives except now it is more obvious because it is not a condition of the heart (I still live those two lives regularly). It is also similar to Spiderman because I want to spend every chance I get hanging out with my friends or pursue a job offer that would allow me to do exactly that as well as make a lot of money, but I can’t because I have to do what’s right which is stick with my commitment to help Rwanda from the ground up for two years. The Peace Corps staff also puts a lot of guilt on us to fulfill our responsibilities, but that isn’t what keeps you from leaving. You stay because you want to help people.

I draw a lot of attention just walking around.

Fetching water

Our cistern is empty. The dry season has been in session for almost two months. Up till now we have been making it by with the water that collected on our roof, but now even that has gone dry. My worst nightmare has become a reality. Some things have gotta change. Devin and I talked about it a little bit before how we are going to have to only have Anualnita – our maid wash our clothes once a week and also find someone fetch us water from the spring every day.

Finally this morning I was let in on why my clothes that I put out to be washed on Monday were not. Anualnita decided that she wants to wash our clothes all day on Fridays at the spring. I don’t have any problem with this except that its already been over a week since my clothes were washed and since getting here I have lost a bit of weight and I don’t have much that fits me anymore.

Today is my day off so I stayed home from work while Irene and Devin both went to work. After they left I decided that I wanted to see where this mystical water is. I asked Devin earlier in the morning and she told me about two that I would have walked past a hundred times, but never noticed, neither sounded too far away so I wanted to go get it. After I finished washing my underwear I told Anualnita that I wanted to fetch water. She didn’t want to do that though.

In Kinyaranda –

me – “Let’s go fetch water.”

Anualnita – “It’s very far.”

me – “I want to see where it is.”

Anualnita – “Down there.”

me – “I need you to show me.”

Anualnita – “Okay, I’m coming.”

I then went into my room and changed my clothes to get ready to fetch water, but when I was doing this I noticed that the clothes that I was putting on were really dirty. So I changed it up and decided that we would do laundry down there.

me – “We must do laundry there.”

Anualnita – “No, I will do it here.”

me – “No we can do it there.”

Anualnita – “It’s far.”

me – “I understand.”

Anualnita – “I need to cook and Irene said to _______.” I’m not sure what she said here.

me – “Let’s go.”

Anualnita – “I’m coming.”

So I changed clothes again and we left for the spring. The spring was a fifteen minute walk downhill away from my house. Anualnita carried my clothes and I carried an empty jug. Everyone on the way there thought it was hilarious that I was going to fetch water. White people don’t do that, another chance to disprove a stereotype and feel guilty for being white. The worst was a guy who told me that I should carry the water in my car and Anualnita agreed with him. I don’t know why people assume that I have a car. I have never given any indication that I own a car. It would be pretty hard to hide if I did have one. Even though I don’t want people to think that I have a car. I would love to have a car and I would put my and everyone else’s water in it.

We arrived at the spring and did my laundry. Anualnita laughed when I started helping wash my clothes as well as everyone who came by. It didn’t really matter though because everything that I washed she washed a second time. When she was rewashing my clothes I started talking to a guy who was filling up his jugs. His name was Kenety. Kenety fetches water for people for 150 franks a jug (a quarter). I then hired him to bring us two jugs of water every day starting tomorrow.

Once we finished the laundry Anualnita packed it up and I grabbed the full jug of water. This jug of water I think is twenty liters and weighs fifty pounds when it is full. At first I tried carrying it on my head like I see everyone do and I went about a hundred steps and couldn’t go any further. Remember that I said that I said that the path to the spring was all downhill therefore the way back is all up. I have gotten used to climbing up this mountain because I do it every day on my home from school, but I don’t do it with a fifty pound jug of water on my head. I could barely walk with this weight on my head sloshing around. I moved it to my shoulder, then to my hand, then to my other hand, then to my other shoulder. This continued the entire way home switching about thirty times. The fifteen minute walk to the spring took about forty coming back.

I was exhausted when I made it back. Anualnita who carried my wet clothes on her head went right back to work cooking and whatever Irene had told her to do. My back hurts now.

I like finding out more about people’s lives here. Most people don’t have someone to fetch their water or have a cistern to hold it so they have to do it themselves. I couldn’t do that every day, but no one can. I’m sure that I would get really good at it though if I did. I’m happy I went and did that though because now I know what I’m paying for and it is really worth it, both Kenety and Anualnita.

Koboyi watching me walk away with a water jug.

“You’re fetching water? Use your car white man.” If only I had one.

I think I lost more water than what I carried up.

Kenety making his living.

Anualnita making hers.